Picnic Time!

picnic_basketI probably own all of the cutest picnic paraphernalia ever.  I love picnics.  The cuteness, the tiny cheese board, the cheese, the picnic china patterns.  I. Love. It.  Now, ask me how many times I have actually had a picnic.  Perhaps 3 times in the last 8 years.  That’s right, I’m a picnic accessory hoarder.
It all starts with me celebrating that summer is finally here so I call my husband at least ten times because, of course, I need to get my picnic basket ready and he’s the only one that knows where he put it last year… Oh wait, two years ago.  Once I find the basket I start thinking of how cute it will be to pick up the kids from school and surprise them with a dinner picnic, then I realize that my kids will be animals during this picnic and plan it for another day because my husband needs to be there. I need someone else there that will hate my kids with me when they are being a-holes.
Now I have a home filled with all of my picnic crap and have planned and cancelled my excursion about five times in my head.  Oh well, now that all this crap is in my house, I HAVE to go on a picnic with my family.  Okay, picnic day arrives and I remember what a horrible idea a picnic with kids is.  (They are going to break my china!)  A ton of glass clanking goes on between my two daughters and my son usually spits out everything he puts in his mouth.  Then my son runs away.  I am never able to chase him because I can’t feel my feet and legs all because I lose all circulation from sitting on the ground.  I then look over to my husband and he can’t run either but he’s healthier and I’m lazy so he always stands up first and helps me.  Holy hell, I get up and then there are about 5,000 tiny knives stabbing my legs and feet all over.  Then I have to pee but there’s no bathroom.  Remind me why I love picnics again?  Picnic is over, we get the F out of there because picnics suck and I am not able to even run out of there because my legs are still numb and my bladder is insanely full.  I am sure that if I move an inch, I will pee myself.  At this point, my son is running away again.  Then he attempts to put food that fell on the ground in his mouth but ain’t nobody got time for that so I turn my back with hopes that onlookers don’t judge.  Then we forgot to take a picture so that our kids never forget that we took them on picnics.  Here goes, we have to sit again.  Nooo!!!  I have no idea how to pose so that I don’t look fat in picnic pictures.  F’ng muffin top.  Okay, one of these kids is going to have to sit on my lap.  Then I have to make a choice.  Pretty or skinny since none of the pictures that I look skinny in do I also look pretty in.  What wins, pretty, skinny, pretty, skinny?  Pretty…  Pretty always wins.  What?  We don’t fit into the Instagram square?   I f’ng hate picnics…
That is until yesterday when One Kings Lane was featuring a fold up picnic table that I of course purchased because summer is finally here and I have a picnic to plan.

Perfect for a picnic!

Perfect for a picnic!

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