Okay, what the hell goes on in the park? Like many other parents I detest taking my children to the park. First and foremost, I’m a helicopter mom. I am not ashamed. Secondly, I’m not a germaphobe but how often do you see someone giving the monkey bars a good rub down? I mean. There HAS to be a ton of booger juice residue all over the place. And, thirdly, none of of the reasons mentioned before are the reason that I really despise taking my children to the park. The main reason is other parents. You see, there are unwritten rules at the play ground and I have listed them below for any other parent that might not know.
1. Tell your kid to stop climbing up the slide so that my kid can finally go down.
2. If the park is one of those wretched dry and water parks, get your child’s wet behind dry before they roam over to the dry stuff. That’s gross. No one wants to sit on a moist swing. No one. Not even the rats that occasionally jump on the swings. And that has happened, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
3. Get the F off of the swings. Do you see the line? Okay, because I’m on it and everyone else is taking turns with the exception of you and your jack ass child. Get the F off the swing and get back on line like the rest of us.
4. Tell your child to stop asking me for snacks, I already gave them all my extras because I wanted to be nice but now they want to go halfies with my kids and I was planning on going halfies with them. Now your kid is eating my snack and a non-snacking mama is a non-happy mama. Non-happy? Whatever, yes, non-happy.
5. Back to the wet kids. Don’t let your little b-hole run around wetting people. You see them. You can stop them. And if you don’t stop them, you don’t want them to “accidentally” trip. That would be dreadful. Tragic even.
6. You can’t bring a sparkly and colorful ball to the playground and not expect your kid to share. A large sparkly ball is like crack to kids. They see it and they need a hit. They must play with that ball. If I have to share my snacks, your kid has to share the crack ball. What’s fair is fair.
7. There is a reason why the toddler side of the playground is completely opposite of the regular child? normal sized child? what do I call the other children. Other Children? Anyway, there is a reason both playgrounds are far from each other. Let the little diaper kids play with the other diaper kids and let the bed wetters play with their fellow bed wetters. They don’t fit in the toddler slide anyway and I’m not going to help them when they get stuck in the tunnel. I might giggle, I might instagram but I will not help.
8. No adult should be in the park without children. Unless you are super old and super cute or a hot manny, then I’ll let you pass. Otherwise, it’s creepy and everyone is convinced you are a child predator. Get the F out of the park.
9. Don’t pretend you didn’t see your child dig up their derriere and then run off. Make that kid wash it’s hands. Booty cooties are way worse than any other type of cooties in the world. In the universe. Everywhere. They’re gross. Wash your hands. Sanitize them. Something, any effort counts.
10. CLOSE THE GATE! CLOSE THE GATE! There is a sign on the gate that says, CLOSE THE GATE! It is because we want to keep our children safe and the gate stops them from doing crazy things like running into traffic so, CLOSE THE GATE.
I hope that my written version of the unwritten rules of the playground give us a better experience when we are guilted into taking our children to the playground again.